And so it begins...

Dear Medifast,

I have accepted your offer to begin a relationship with you. Honestly, I can't say that I am excited to start seeing you and this is a little troubling to me. Shouldn't there be a honeymoon period? You know what a honeymoon period is, don't you? It's the period of time when you can do no wrong in my eyes, before I discover that you drink and gambled away our rent money on hamster races, and before you find out that I collect ceramic cats and was born a man. Ok, some of that might not be entirely true. I don't collect ceramic cats. Clearly, my compulsive lying will be what drives you away from me. We'd better act fast, Medifast, and embrace the warm and fuzzy feelings we have now- before the honeymoon ends!

For the sake of full disclosure, Medifast, you should know that I have diet A.D.D. I get bored quickly without something to keep me coming back for more. This is why I am giving you a trial run to prove to me that you are a worthy suitor. Considering the fact that you are nearly 300 dollars a month, I cannot make a long term commitment to you without testing the waters first. Surely you understand, Medi. I can call you Medi, can't I? I figure we'll "see each other" for a month and see how things go. Be assured that I promise not to see other people during this time, not matter how much they may tempt me. I'll be strong Medi, for us.

You may be wondering what I hope to accomplish over the course of our relationship. You could say that I have a little extra "stuffing" that needs to be removed. The evil metal box on my bathroom floor keeps spitting the number 205 at me. How rude! Considering the fact that I am 5'7 and muscular (I swear I have a layer of muscle under there somewhere), I would prefer the evil box to display a 150 when I stomp on it. We'll set that as our goal, Medi. Of course, I don't expect you to deliver those kinds of results in only a month, but if you impress me, we'll keep going until we get there.

I promise that we will talk often, Medi. Expect to hear from me multiple times a day. Our communications may be the only thing that saves my sanity over the next month. Now, let's go eat!

Love and protein shakes,
McFluffin