Clockwork Orange

Odd blog post title, I know... I couldn't think of anything else with the word "orange" in it.

Today I discovered this simple truth:

Orange Creme Medifast shake + a shot of sugar free vanilla syrup+ a few ice cubes = one happy fat chick

Remember the creamsicles we used to eat as kids? Oh yes, it's that good.

4 stars!

Make the next one a double,
McFluffin

I'm sorry, so sorry...

Medifast,
I have a confession to make. I cheated on you. This is usually the point in the relationship where I quit. In fact, by 8 o'clock last night, I had myself convinced that you were not for me, that I had already "blown it" past the point of recovery and there was no point to even try to get back on track. You know what Medifast? That is what I ALWAYS do when I have a set back- I quit. Not this time! I refuse! I paid 300 dollars for you and I'll be darned if I will let that go to waste! I know that today will be hard (once you taste the "forbidden fruit" it is hard to go back to chalky shakes) but I WILL DO IT. I keep telling myself, this is only for a month. Maybe two. Maybe three if it works well. IT'S NOT FOREVER! I WILL be able to transition back to "regular" food at some point. I CAN hang in there. No one is asking me to never eat cookies again- I just need to avoid them for now. I can do that. I WILL DO THAT!

I am choosing to use this slip as a learning experience. I learned this:

• I need to eat ALL FIVE medifast meals a day. I have not been doing that. I have been averaging about three.
• The skipping of the medifast meals allows me get too hungry, which leads to binges. If I am consuming a protein rich medifast product every 2 hours, I will be able to keep myself under control (because I won't be so hungry that I'd eat the paint off the walls).
• I must follow the plan to the letter. I must stop tweaking things and skipping meals thinking it will speed weight loss. I am not a doctor. Doctors developed this plan. I have to trust their program. If I knew how to do this, I wouldn't be fat in the first place.
• I have to always be prepared. Carry shake packets with me at all times.
  
• I need to forgive myself for slip ups. This is not an "all or nothing" proposition. I will slip up and that is OKAY. The only failure is in quitting. I need to keep going, even after a setback. Quitting on myself is what got me fat and quitting on myself is what will keep me fat.

The evil metal box said 202 today. Considering the amount of carbs I ate yesterday (buh-bye ketosis), this is actually not that bad. I am still down 3 pounds from last Wednesday, when I started. Pretty darn good, if I don't say so myself.

Medifast, we're back on. I am recommitting myself to you. Let's rock this thing.

It's on like donkey kong,
McFluffin'

You had me at Cocoa

My Dear Darling Medifast,

I am going to cancel my "gluten free variety pack" auto shipment. I don't want it. I don't want variety. All I want is your hot cocoa! Forever and ever and ever, amen.

Can I do that medifast? Can I skip the 5 meals a day of bitter oatmeal, vomit-like soup and funky tasting shakes and simply bask in the chocolately love of your hot cocoa? Nutritionally, all of these products are the same, right? I am honestly going to research this Medifast, because I could live on your cocoa love forever.

The hot cocoa gets 4 stars. Heck, I'll give it 5. It's divine. Heavenly. Sent straight from God Himself. Ok, that may be stretching, but it really is fantastic and I suspect this has something to do with it being one of the only soy free products they carry. I really hate soy and with my hormonal issues (which we will discuss another time), I would prefer to avoid it as much as possible- not make it the center of my diet.

A quick visit to the Medifast web site gave me this tidbit of information:

Can I use Medifast Meals interchangeably?

One of the great benefits of Medifast Meals is that they may be used interchangeably, so you can choose any five Medifast Meals you want for the 5 & 1 Plan.

And yes, the cocoa is considered a meal! I checked on that too. I doubted my ability to stay on this plan, not only because of the unpleasant food, but the large consumption of soy. Knowing that I can still do this plan without the soy and the ick factor is lighting a new fire under me!

From doubt to bliss,
McFluffin

This stuff is bananas!

Dearest Medifast,
There is something you don't know about me. I am a banana pudding junkie. I could eat the stuff morning, noon and night! If I were on death row, my last meal would be nothing but banana pudding. If it were legal, I might just ditch my husband and marry banana pudding. Yes, I love it that much.

Banana pudding is something sacred to me. For this reason, I was terrified to try your banana pudding, Medi. I just KNEW you would mess it up, leaving me with a bitter banana coating on my taste buds...and my heart. To my pleasent surprise, you didn't totally mess up! Was your banana pudding on the level of my grandma's? Heck no! Was it better than something my 4 year old would make? No, not quite. BUT, it wasn't awful and for that I say, well done, sir!

I liked the consistency of the pudding. It was thick and creamy. The banana flavor was nice. I still got a few bites with a bitter aftertaste, but I could tolerate it. Three stars, medifast! You've done me proud!

B-a-n-a-n-a-s,
McFluffin

Eyes closed!

You know what, Medi? I am getting VERY good at eating with my eyes closed. And you would too if your Maryland Crab Soup looked like vomit.

As long as my eyes stayed closed, the crab soup was a pleasant experience. I will add this to my list of Medifast foods that I don't fear eating. Score!

I give it three stars.

Feelin' crabby,
McFluffin

Love, hate, love

Dear Medifast,

I didn't need my alarm clock this morning. I was having a lovely dream about shirtless werewolves when I was rudely interrupted by my growling stomach. Way to rip me from my happy Twilight place, Medi. My disappointment didn't last long as my thoughts quickly shifted from Jacob Black to the "FEED ME" demands of my tummy. As I looked to the prospect of more chalky shakes and bitter oatmeal today, I decided that I hate you, Medifast. I mean, I really hate you.

As I stumbled to the bathroom, I paid a visit to the evil metal box, which has become a morning tradition. I blinked a few times to be sure the 200 I was seeing was real. Then, I gasped and I think I heard the evil metal box gasp with me. That's -FIVE pounds in just THREE days. Holy heck! I love you Medifast. I really, really do.

While I am loving you, let's talk about yesterday. I tried the eggs. They looked unappetizing, as most of your food does, but they tasted fine. They tasted like eggs. Would I eat them if I were not on this plan? No, I'd crack open a real egg and cook it in a pan, instead of ripping open a package, adding water and microwaving. I give them 3 stars though.

Now, I have a confession to make, Medi. I am scared to try the other foods you sent me. I already know that the chicken and rice soup is tolerable. The shakes that I have tried so far (strawberry, vanilla, dutch chocolate) were palatable, in fact I know I might even aquire a taste for them. The eggs were fine. Can't I just stick to these things? I don't want another peach oatmeal, Medi. I don't think my taste buds can stand it. I am scared, Medi! I am scared to try any of these new things!

I know that I must be brave. My system is demanding nourishment and the sugar free Popsicle that I just ate didn't satisfy the grumbling in my stomach. I am going to put on my big girl panties and make myself some of your Maryland crab soup. If this is another peach oatmeal, Medi, we may be through.

Pray for me,
McFluffin

Not so peachy keen...

Dear Medifast,

You should be very proud of me. Last night's "lean and green" meal was eaten at Cracker Barrel and I am happy to say that I made a very good choice. Grilled catfish and a side salad. YUM. That meal was the highlight of my day.

Our day 2 is off to a rough start, dear Medi. I decided to try your Peach Oatmeal for breakfast. I was able to ignore the fact that it developed a thick skin after microwaving because it smelled heavenly. Who needs their food to look good, anyway? I mean, it all looks the same on the way out, right? Let's talk about the smell of this stuff! Mmmmmm, it was like running through a peach orchard on a warm spring day (if peaches grow in the spring, which I am not sure they do). I couldn't wait to get this stuff in my belly (side note: I am starving). I shoved a heaping spoonful into my mouth and smiled. That smile was quickly exchanged for a grimace. Then the gag reflex kicked in and out went the oatmeal.

Medifast, how dare you pull the old bait and switch?! You made something smell amazing, yet taste like someone threw up peach oatmeal then served it to me. I feel deceived, Medifast, and frankly, you have hurt my feelings. As for a rating, this stuff gets 0 stars. If I could assign a negative number, I would. The peach oatmeal makes the mango cranberry drink look like a fillet mignon. Yes, it's truly that bad. And we shall never speak of it again.

I am catching on to your game, playa'. The book you sent me states something like this: supply a limited number of options and make those options less than desirable. A person will naturally eat less of an undesirable food (ya think?) and will take in less calories (i.e. starvation), resulting in weight loss. I guess the questions is, what do I care about more? Eating food that is semi palatable or losing weight quickly?

The evil metal box on the bathroom floor displayed 202 this morning. That's -3 pounds. Overnight. Yes, I know full well that this was all fluid loss, but I will take what I can get. Medifast, that -3 may have saved our relationship for the time being, but please don't get complacent. There has been another man vying for my attention lately. You may know him. His name is Nutri and from what I have heard, he's not as fast as you, but is much more enjoyable.

Fight for my love, Medi! Fight!

McFluffin

Good news and bad news

Dear Medi,

I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Let's start with the good news! The chicken and rice soup was not terrible. Yes, it lacked seasoning, but a little onion powder and black pepper helped that. The texture was thick and creamy. The few grains of rice were a bit crunchy, but I didn't mind the added texture. I would give it my three star rating ("It beats being fat"). Would I eat it if I were not on this diet? No, but, I will not dread eating it over the next few weeks. Which brings us to...

...the bad news. For my third meal of the day, I chose the cold cranberry mango drink. I can't think of anything clever to say here so I'll give it to you straight: it was absolutely VILE. To call it disgusting would be a compliment. I had to hold my nose and chug it. I am still queasy from the flavor. I can't even explain the taste- it was sweet, it was mango-y, it was fishy. Yes, fishy. I don't understand it either. Ick, ick, ick. Medifast, this stuff received a 0 rating and we shall never speak of it again.

I am REALLY looking forward to the "lean and green meal" which I get to prepare myself!

If you need me, I'll be gargling bleach to rid myself of this aftertaste,

McFluffin

On the 23rd day of June, my true love gave to me...

Dear Medi,

I thought the people might like to know what you sent me.

The box contained:

1 box of Dark Chocolate shakes
1 box of Swiss Mocha shakes
2 boxes of Dutch Chocolate shakes
2 boxes of French Vanilla shakes
1 box of Strawberry shakes
1 box of Banana Creme shakes
1 box of Orange Creme Shakes
1 box of Cappuccino drinks
1 box of Hot Cocoa drinks
1 box of Chai Latte drinks
1 box of Cranberry Mango drinks
1 package of Scrambled Eggs
2 boxes of Vanilla Pudding
1 box of Banana Pudding
1 box of Chocolate Pudding
1 box of Cream of Tomato Soup
2 boxes of Maryland Crab Soup
1 box of Chicken Noodle Soup
2 boxes of Chicken and Wild Rice Soup
1 box of Peach Oatmeal

*each box contains 7 meals.

Medi, what am I supposed to do with the chicken noodle soup? Remember our talk about gluten intolerance? I am not trying to nag you, dear, but if I can't eat what you send, I am not getting my money's worth! I will call someone and see if we can get this straightened out.


I had a strawberry shake for breakfast. I am going to have to come up with a rating system for the readers, just in case they want to date you themselves. My rating system will be as follows:

4 stars- I'd consume this even if I weren't on a diet!
3 stars- It beats being fat, I guess...
2 stars- It's better than a root canal!
1 star- I'd rather drink gasoline!
0 stars- We'll never speak of this again.

As for the strawberry shake, I would give it 2 1/2 stars. It was chalky and had a funny aftertaste. Soy, perhaps? Maybe this is an acquired taste...

I drank the shake at 9 am and it is now noon. I am STARVING, so I am off to try some chicken and rice soup, even though directions are a bit daunting (5 steps to heat up soup?). We'll ignore the fact that it was 90 degrees by 9 am here in the good ol' South. Soup weather? Not so much, but food is food.

Maybe iced soup will catch on,
McFluffin

Our First Fight...

Oh Medi,

We have only been dating for 10 minutes and it seems that we are already having our first fight! I just opened the lovely care package you sent me. You promised it would be filled with gluten free goodies and, for the most part, it is. While I appreciate the free week's worth of food you added in, please explain to me what I should do with the peach oatmeal. You are very lucky that I am just intolerant to gluten and can usually eat oats without issue. If I had Celiac's, that oatmeal would be on its way back to you! Please be more careful in the future.

And while I am picking bones with you, you should know that I am a gluten free vegetarian, but that package was not an option (unless I wanted to order food a la carte and wrack up a bill that would make my mortgage look like pocket change). I settled on your basic gluten free offering, chicken soup and all. Will you look at this, Medifast? I am already changing my morals for you! The good news is that I was never a very dedicated vegetarian to begin with. Maybe now PETA will finally remove me from their mailing list.There is always a silver lining.

This relationship may work after all.

Off to dig through your box of surprises,
McFluffin

And so it begins...

Dear Medifast,

I have accepted your offer to begin a relationship with you. Honestly, I can't say that I am excited to start seeing you and this is a little troubling to me. Shouldn't there be a honeymoon period? You know what a honeymoon period is, don't you? It's the period of time when you can do no wrong in my eyes, before I discover that you drink and gambled away our rent money on hamster races, and before you find out that I collect ceramic cats and was born a man. Ok, some of that might not be entirely true. I don't collect ceramic cats. Clearly, my compulsive lying will be what drives you away from me. We'd better act fast, Medifast, and embrace the warm and fuzzy feelings we have now- before the honeymoon ends!

For the sake of full disclosure, Medifast, you should know that I have diet A.D.D. I get bored quickly without something to keep me coming back for more. This is why I am giving you a trial run to prove to me that you are a worthy suitor. Considering the fact that you are nearly 300 dollars a month, I cannot make a long term commitment to you without testing the waters first. Surely you understand, Medi. I can call you Medi, can't I? I figure we'll "see each other" for a month and see how things go. Be assured that I promise not to see other people during this time, not matter how much they may tempt me. I'll be strong Medi, for us.

You may be wondering what I hope to accomplish over the course of our relationship. You could say that I have a little extra "stuffing" that needs to be removed. The evil metal box on my bathroom floor keeps spitting the number 205 at me. How rude! Considering the fact that I am 5'7 and muscular (I swear I have a layer of muscle under there somewhere), I would prefer the evil box to display a 150 when I stomp on it. We'll set that as our goal, Medi. Of course, I don't expect you to deliver those kinds of results in only a month, but if you impress me, we'll keep going until we get there.

I promise that we will talk often, Medi. Expect to hear from me multiple times a day. Our communications may be the only thing that saves my sanity over the next month. Now, let's go eat!

Love and protein shakes,
McFluffin